A Big Beautiful Notification
Dateline: Soonest. Almost Anywhere, U.S.A.
(I apologize in advance for the person I’ll become when this becomes reality.)
In a spectacle described by organizers as “the biggest, most beautiful state funeral ever,” mourners gathered in a sea of red hats that stretched to the horizon and probably into alternate realities. Those who once scaled the walls of Congress chanting memorable slogans like Hang Mike Pence, were invited by the family to form an honor guard, encircling the gleaming golden casket as if protecting a rare relic. Their devotion was matched only by the dramatic wailing of grief-stricken women, whose operatic prayers echoed for blocks and may soon be available as a limited vinyl pressing.
Signs waved throughout the crowd and foretold of the imminent second coming of their savior, though no firm arrival time was announced. A grand cortège transported the golden casket by train to Mar-a-Lago after planners confirmed a shortage of ceremonial elephants. The route through red states from Virginia to Florida was lined with flag-waving supporters, while ICE agents reportedly tackled and handcuffed anyone insufficiently accessorized in crimson headwear.
A closed coffin was recommended as reportedly the puffiness and bloating could not be disguised. A favorite hair piece and everyday skin toner had not arrived on time. An attendant close to the mortuary who asked to remain unnamed, overheard “Close the lid, I can’t work miracles!”
The exclusive ceremony at Mar-a-Lago was restricted to family and select dignitaries, including Vladimir Putin, Viktor Orbán, Mohammed bin Salman, and XI Jinping. Kim Jong Un was unable to attend due to a prior commitment but reportedly sent golden roses via express diplomatic carrier. Musical tributes were provided by Kid Rock, whose hymns were described as “loud enough to register on geological instruments.”
Eulogies were delivered by the widow of Charlie Kirk, “favorite bro” Vladimir Putin, and son Donnie Jr., while notable absences included Rand Paul, Kevin McCarthy, Tipsy Lindsey, Little Marco, MTG, Mitch McConnell and all alleged RINOs. Every past president, including. George W. Bush, King Charles, and Pope Leo claimed prior commitments. Rumors circulated, however, that the ghosts of Richard Nixon and Dick Cheney were spotted nearby, grinning broadly and possibly networking.
Totally unsubstantiated, one attendee swore she saw the spirt of first-discarded wife Ivanna in the back. Reading her lips, it appeared she was mouthing the words “He pushed me! He pushed me!”
Many questioned if son Eric was present. A source revealed he was seen seated in a back row, next to J. D. Vance.
The grieving widow, seen dressed in red and bejeweled with sparkling diamonds and pearls, hardly appeared to be able to contain her grief. Some close to the family believed she, instead, could barely contained her giggles. An anonymous legal source hinted that the pre-nuptial, at that very minute, was being hotly disputed based upon diminished mental capacity.
Beginning next month, visitors will be welcomed to view his golden pyramid memorial, designed by the interred himself. Admission will be charged for touching the monument (gloves extra). Pilgrimage packages are now available: the Silver Tour includes a somber five minutes at the gravesite plus a brisk pass through the golf course for $59.99 plus tax.
The VIP Gold Package includes commemorative coin valued at approximately $0.03, a Bible signed by auto-pen, and a framed golden certificate verifying this once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage. Cost begins at 10,000$. All VIP can book their arrival via the $400 million Qatari Boeing gift. Cost extra, to be announced.
All Bibles will be auto-signed personally by J. D. Vance, who has reportedly been practicing his signature via robot arm for weeks. Nearby booths will offer commemorative tattoos featuring a tasteful blend of portraiture and crucifix imagery. MAGAs were further delighted by rumors of complimentary red hats, a promised $1,000, and 100 gallons of free gas—terms and conditions possibly located in very fine print.
Historians have already described the event as “unprecedented,” “unforgettable,” and “difficult to fact-check.” Flags waved, cameras flashed, and somewhere a souvenir stand sold out of golden pyramids before lunch.
Voters agreed, the saddest part about this death is that he won’t be able to witness the biggest global celebration in history. Totally unprecedented!
When asked why he was there, one anonymous young man stated “I just want to make sure the motherfucker was really dead.”
